Debating Helicopter Parents

I had an interesting day today as I met for the first time a fellow “Georger,” one who shares my nerdy hobby of Where’s George? (see www.wheresgeorge.com).   He’s a homeschooled Junior from San Diego who was never able to make it to a gathering of Georgers down in San Diego.  However he had a debate competition just up the road from my in-law’s house where we are staying for a week before our big move.  After spending the morning helping my father-in-law run an amateur radio net at the VA hospital in Loma Linda, I headed to the competition to see my young friend in action.  I had planned to spend the afternoon at the competition and was especially interested in the Lincoln-Douglas debate that was addressing the moral imperative (if any) that America has to enter into global affairs beyond our border.

I was raised a conservative Christian family and had spent a few years being homeschooled by my mother,  so I felt pretty comfortable in the climate though high school students look ever younger these days.  I watched my Georging friend in one event, then joined him for lunch after meeting his parents.  We discussed trading and I shot the breeze with many of his friends about my time in the military as a Navy chaplain.  At one point, he had to get up to return something to his car and never returned.  After a while his Dad came over, made a little small talk, then told me that his son had been grounded for contacting me.  I guess my friend had never told his parents about the Where’s George forums, or about Georgers meeting up to trade bills, or even about me. 

I generally consider myself a pretty good judge of character and had already noticed an interesting dynamic within the family.  Immediately after my friend’s debate, his dad had lectured him on how he could have done better.  Coupled with other interactions between the parents and their only child, I think I had a classic case of helicopter parents on my hands.  While I certainly think my friend should have told his parents he was meeting me (in a very public place), I thought his parent’s response to be heavy-handed and his dad’s conversation with me to be less-than-charitable, despite the veneer of religious language.  I confess that my observation might be colored by that conversation, but as a young parent of three—soon to be four—children, I understand well the temptation to hover over children in hopes of protecting them from all dangers, seen and unseen. 

Out of respect for my friend’s parents I wrote him a farewell note (that he may not see since his internet has now been restricted) and will cease communicating with him.  Yet I also remember being a young man growing into adulthood and the difficult balance my parents had to strike as they learned to trust me and my judgment/ while also maintaining rules and boundaries.  Through neither we nor our parents are always right, we trust that by the grace of God each party desires nothing but the best for the other and that disagreements and misunderstandings are simply a natural outcome of the messy process of raising young men and women in a fallen world.  When do you allow a seventeen –year old son to chat with people online and maybe even meet them?  When do you let go of your four-year old daughter when she’s learning to ride her bike? How do you set boundaries that allow your children to make mistakes, and learn life’s painful lessons without causing permanent physical, emotional and spiritual damage? Is it even possible to offer one “right answer” to these questions?

At the end of the day, I am grateful for the trust my parents placed in me.  I am glad that I never had a curfew, or limits on whom I could drive around in my car, or had to answer hundreds of questions about my social life.  Could I have taken advantage of my parent’s grace? Of course I could have, and I know that plenty of other children probably have.  However, I have discovered a paradox in relationships: the more controlling one partner of the relationship is, the less likely the other partner is to be open-and-honest with their activities.  On the flip side, the more open-and-honest we are with our partners, the less likely they are to feel the need to snoop around. 

This is true of marriages and it is true of parent-child relationships.  Because my parents trusted me, I was honest with them.  Because my wife has unfettered access to my cell phone, email accounts and facebook page, and because I voluntarily tell her when I am meeting with a woman (even women who are also her friends) due to work or social gatherings, she’s never felt the need to snoop around my accounts.  Open, honest communication and trust are the key ingredients to a successful relationship and I’m not sure the helicoptering parenting style, despite the best intention of those who employ it, really works.   So, as I close tonight I say a prayer for all of us sharing the journey of parent-child.  May grace abound!